My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
cat food counts as protein by the way
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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