I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Randomize
