Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
