we have officially lost it.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
