we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
