u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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