Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
