I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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