My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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