Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
