I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
