Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Someone came in the potted fern
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
