Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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