seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
