We won't sleep together?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pants are for mortals
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
