I can't breathe out the right side of my face
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
