I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
