Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
