with your own penis?
My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
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