We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize