Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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