Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
