Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
