Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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