Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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