There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
