News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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