I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
50% drunk capacity currently
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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