just survived the first fart of the relationship.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
