I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
