...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
