Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
did i just pee glitter
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
