i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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