hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
