honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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