The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
