You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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