I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
