I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she told me i tasted like america
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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