Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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