mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize