There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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