I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just pee around me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
