So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
