I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
There's even glitter on my cock...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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