Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
