So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
