im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
