i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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