Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
