i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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