I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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