I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize