god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize