i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
