A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
