it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
