He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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